everyday is d. day

the only way to get up that hill is to go up that hill

i'm trying to rev up my metabolism, because it has to be obnoxiously slow to resist every effort i have made in the effort to reclaim my body. not the one i had in my 20's or even 30's because that's just silly. the one i had around the time i crested 40, which was not so long ago. i am beginning to appreciate what i had then finally, belatedly and i want it back. that means work, a lot of it. i can't believe it let myself slide so badly. s. can't really discern a difference and that's a good thing, because i am doing enough surveying of the situation for two.

drinking lots of water, lots of it, even though the doc says cool it a little; drinking green tea and now before i put a morsel of food in my mouth i am out pounding the pavement and workin' it. yesterday i decided our street--which pushes upward at a steep incline westward--would be my daily target, with a zig and a zag thrown in for good measure and to beat boredom.

the tough part always is getting on the gear and the shoes and propelling oneself outside. as i left the building a woman ran by me heading up the hill. well, challenger....always did better with a little competition. thankfully she slowed to a decent paced walk so we had a level playing field. no way i'm running up that hill. not yet. i'll get there, even with creaky knees and protesting lungs. i'll get there.

the sky is a drab grey with ambitions of dousing torrential; deepening like a spreading blush to charcoal, as we head out for our evening constitutional--dessert for shaun, exercise for me. there is the pitpat of the lightest of drizzle. down our little main street and toward the park we look for the gap in the fence that will be our entry to little used path. even less so with the weather as uninviting as itis. on a usual summer day the adjoining hume park is full of people enjoying all the park has to offer.

under the canopy of trees a hush surrounds us and the air is fresh and full of birdsong. you'd hardly know that a busy street is anywhere near, though the rush of vehicles can be heard passing by.

daylight is beginning to fade, and the sky looks angry, but we continue our intended loop, popping out onto the sidewalk for the last bit of our stroll home. i wonder to myself why we don't do this more often and promise to myself as well that we will.  i gingerly work on a cherry popsicle that sticks to my tongue. sort of like a pole in the middle of a frigid calgary winter. i don't really need the refreshment, but it is a nice sweet treat. a small pleasure.

in pursuit of fitness of body and mind

it's still drizzling today and that's quite alright. It's a refreshing change to need to wear a sweater instead of sweating it out in a tee.

some recently acquired music includes moonlight sonata, which absolutely transports me. i heard it played during an episode of star trek: tng of all places. my bus arrived a few minutes early to my stop. when i saw it stopped at the next i just accelerated and did my best flo jo to get to it. the music lent a surreal quality to the effort.

i got to the gym on time for my appointment with jessica, but for some reason i found myself asking for melissa. it is of no consequence. we go through the requisite questions and i find myself regretting the whole venture. at the end of it all, memberships are proposed and the numbers are fairly staggering for a gym of any quality. fitness world is the puppy mill of fitness. they ask a $608 "joining fee", an obscene amount considering what they offer. what does a joining fee get you after all? i shouldn't hold it against her but jessica's spelling is atrocious and her assessment of my situation tells me that she likely knows less about fitness than i've forgotten. i shouldn't hold her age against her, but she is likely all of 25 if a day. her knowledge of exercise outside of the gym atmosphere is tenuous at best and she scoffs at the benefit. all exercise is good for you. now if you want serious results, that's another story. then she's preaching ot the converted, but not at that price. i am a little deflated, whatever happened to pay as you go? it's not that i am totally averse to committment, but 2 years is a long time when you don't know what the future holds.

i walk the 10 blocks or so down commercial slowly on my way to the library and inhale deeply the perfume of the lilacs that line the street. there's a spatter of threatening rain. i notice casualties, shops have closed or are "renovating". it could be normal attrition or a sign of the times. who's to say for sure. a lot of problems are being blamed on the economy, which could be seen as a scapegoat in what might otherwise be the natural order of things. if a company is poorly managed or its timing off, there's a good chance it will fail anyway. still it is sad to see. someone's life was invested in those failures.

i open the cover and scan the inside jacket. i am instantly drawn to leap into the first chapter. the weight of numbers  looks to be a compelling read.

1000 posts and counting

i never would have thought, given my lack of discipline and massive talent in the art of procrastination, that i would have hit the marker of 1000. they haven't all been top quality A-number one, but i've been puttin' them out there. some posts have been inspired bits of lyrical and poetic storytelling; others angst-ridden dark rides through deep chasms in my depression; there have been words i couldn't otherwise speak because my monster--trigeminal neuralgia--made it impossible; dirges sung of hurt and anger-fueled rants when i've felt violated or hard done by.

all of it is who i am at any given moment. of course it depends on the moment. for the most part i aim for a shiny happy mindset, but it can be work sometimes, and the perpetration of a fraud because that is not what anyone's life is about and certainly not mine. whatever has been going on i've been working some of it out here. therapy is expensive and i can't afford that at the moment. hanging your butt out there for public viewing makes you honest. or more honest anyway. and it's scary. but less scary than the alternative; strange as that may sound. i think my some of biggest breakthroughs i've made in facing my demons head on occurred through the bits of scribbling i did here.

the dichotomy exists in the fact that i am still a rather intensely private person.  it is a contradiction, but my need to express something of myself in word and images trumps my desire to hide from the light.

right now i am working on a post about my recent san francisco trip. it's looking awfully long already and i'm not even to the stage where i've gotten off the bus there. sometimes i wax a little on the loquacious side. i'm trying to decide if i should break it down into days or make it one long protracted post. first, though i have to get all the words down onto "paper". that's the hardest part, believe me. revving up the machine and getting it going. it sputters and balks, but once it gets going, it becomes easier; a force unto itself; the physics of the words moving through space take over. 

here's to 1000 more.

loading....loading....loading

i am suffering now from snail slow internet.i think it could be my router. there is a light not lit that should be. my status is dead in the water. my lightning fast internet is not as shaw promises it to be. never has been but at the moment i am surfing on the good graces of someone else who doesn't have the good sense to password protect their network. thank god for them. even with this alternative i watch my mac's little daisy spin round and round without the hint as to what the progress might be, if any. i am reminded of the bad old days of dial up, when i could go and attend to tasks around the house while my computer hooked itself to the www. i don't have much of a fondness for those days then and even less now that i am a somewhat less patient person. my expectations are higher. no amount of deep breathing will help me rationalize it away. i gotta have my internet and i gotta have it now.

....done a little test. hooked the ethernet cord right into the computer. this simple test has determined that the router is screwed. i can't even remember when i bought it so it is probably about time it was updated. in terms of what is available at the lowest end of the spectrum these days, it is a complete relic, but i didn't feel the need to do anything about it until the inevitable occurred. and now it has.