everyday is d. day

die a little more every day

i'm feeling slightly better now. a shower is good for pretty much everything that ails a person.  temporarily. me anyway. i needed it. i need it. and i need a lot of it these days.

when we arrived back in vancouver my outlook was optimistic and the city opened its arms out to me with promise.  i knew people who knew people who would vouch for me and it seemed a cinch. when none of those leads worked out, i started looking for a job. it's never been very much fun for me to "put myself out there" both in the working world and the dating world. ironically, it's the same feelings that plague me. that lack of self confidence and the ability to say "hey, i deserve the best and won't settle for less!" i'm modest and self-deprecating by nature and this assertion that you need to hype self in order to be noticed leaves me cold. i just don't know how to do it. my upbringing robbed me of those tools. i'm still trying to find them within myself. my friends have been amazing,, hanging right in there with me. telling me what i silently know inside myself to be true, but have trouble believing, especially in times like this.

i've had four interviews last week and a half. two of those jobs paid $9 an hour; one $11 and the other was more in the ballpark, but fell short. i haven't worked for $9/hr. since the late '80's. I just have to shake my head. i don't want to blather on about the cost of living, but unless you are living with your parents or a gang of friends,  living on that kind of money is not living, it is barely existing. and of course, i've nailed the two least paying jobs. talk about the pinnacle of underachieving. at a job search agency where my resume was revamped, i spoke with a counsellor who told me of a pyramid approach to life and job searching, and that the basic necessities of life must be covered before you can elevate to the next level.  i guess his message is to take those jobs. i would have to work 40+ weeks to make the same kind of money i could have been making in less than half the time, whilst actually enjoying my life, volunteering and whatever it is i might want to do with that free time. can i go back to graphic design? i don't know, my portfolio doesn't exactly scream TALENT. i know i am up to it, and i've done it before, but.....

demoralized on a grey day is not the place to be. i want to crawl into a hole and just stay there. problem is, this doesn't pay the bills either. this whole experience just makes me so angry i want to shout out. "i am worth more than this!  i can do most anything, and you won't be disappointed. just trust me!" i don't even want to talk about the recruitment agencies. don't get me started. i am completely underwhelmed by their lack of.....anything.

but, to be honest, the fact of the matter is that these are all just means to an end until i get to "that place" wherever that is. the place i feel comfortable writing for the discerning masses; the place where i sell my photos and commission myself out. it's a brass ring that i've not even begun to reach for.

keep calm and carry on.

 
so it says in tall all caps etched into the reflective glass that covers the wall behind the hostess desk. this statement is located at the cascade room. a place where we spent altogether too much time and money. even so, it seems a suggestion rather than a statement of the venue. like "we had a shitty day yesterday, but we're soldiering on today even though we don't want to go through the exercise again." the simple optimistic statement strikes me in a peculiar way--evocative. the simple man's ohm without the incense burning and awkward cross-legged sitting. it pops into my head now and again. even took a picture of it, but since it's reflective what i got was a picture of me, with camera focused forward, looking back at myself.

omg!

So i compiled a list tagged 8-8's; one of those things sent to me by my friend Gilles and i mentioned one of my favourite songs that i could play over and over and one of the songs i listed happened to be "dancing in the moonlight", which lifts my spirits the moment i hear it no matter how black the mood i happen to be in. well, i don't know entirely how this internet thingy works sometimes, but i got a comment from king harvest, i'm assuming one of the original artists/composers of that song. so, oh i don't know....honoured. l'il ol' me! feel like i've been discovered and i've just had my first positive paparazzi experience. wowee-zowee! (probably gonna say "hey" again, but that's ok! bring it on!)

indian summer

 it was one of those days that make it so you can't wait until you get outside. i was waiting impatiently for the computer guy, or presumably i was, and surveyed it from my big picture window. finally we connected and he told me he wouldn't be able to come by in the next several hours, until the early evening--a definition i've never been very clear on. is that after dinner but before, say, a child's bedtime of around 8pm? i ran out into the day to walk my camera with some intent; but also with an envirosax in my bag, because there was also some shopping to be done.

i'm getting used to the days being my own, but i intensely dislike the domestic administration. it would be OK if it paid something. i'd say it's worth at least minimum wage, but since i'm the one not working i feel compelled take all of this on. do this for long enough and a person could end up with zero self-esteem. no one says thanks for scrubbing the toilet, or making sure the recyling gets done; the litter box emptied, laundry done or the rugs (ack) vacuumed.

i could have idled the whole day away outside if i had been so inclined, as it turned out. it feels a little bit like a wasted day, but there's always tomorrow. hope the weather man has good news for tomorrow.

my toe feels much better, but it is still clearly protesting activity. i've probably got another couple weeks of recovery until it feels like something close to 100%. i've graduated to a shoe that doesn't feel like walking in flip-flops on hard-packed ground, so i'm not causing secondary injuries to the rest of self. i was feeling stress and compensatory pains developing in my shin and the rest of my foot. thankfully, in the nick of time i think, i've managed to avoid that discomfort as well.

Dammit Gilles!

My friend Gilles sent this to me almost a year ago. It's aged for 10 months and it's not getting any closer to getting done, so in the spirit of completion and eschewing procrastination, I thought I would give it a go...again....so here goes nuthin'

The 8 - 8's

8 things I'm passionate about

1. My son Matt
2. My friendships, especially my newest and deepest ones
3. Being true to myself and learning to be authentic and more spiritually connected
4. Writing (even though I won't admit it)
5. Becoming a good citizen of the planet--becoming green-er
6. Photography --creating beautiful imagery (even though I don't pursue it with the passion it deserves)
7. Social injustices--righting wrongs
8. Ideas and creative solutions

8 things I want to do before I die

1. Walk the Camino de Santiago
2. Learn to sing and perform (and not just karaoke kids)
3. Meet my first son
4. Travel, travel, travel, travel, travel, travel and then travel some more and keep on travelling!
5. Be published in book form
6. Have an exhibit of my images
7. Skydive
8. Learn to play the piano
Last but not least ......9. Move to my little airstream/cabin with solar panels, grey water--self-sustaining...wherever....off the grid.

8 things I say often

1. This is tasty.....
2. Crap!
3. No worries
4. Thank you very much (sort of southern-like)
5. Please
6. Enough of that!
7. Like I was saying....
8. I don't think so!

8 TV shows I’ve recently watched

1. Numbers
2. The Closer
3. Criminal Minds
5. Chuck
6. Midsomer Murders
7. Pushing Daisies
8. Darling Buds of May

8 songs I could listen to over and over

1. Tainted (Slum Village)
2. Hurt (Christina Aguilera)
3. This World (Zero 7)
4. Dancing in the Moonlight (King Harvest)
5. Flowers become Screams & Flatlands (Delerium); one follows the other. Can't listen to one without the other!
6. Stop Me (Daniel Merrieweather feat. Mark Ronson)
7. Days go by (Dirty Vegas)
8. Give a Little Bit (Supertramp)

8 things that attract me to my best friends

1. I can be silly me.
2. I can be serious me.
3. They make me laugh.
4. I can count on them.
5. We can talk about anything.
6. They are all different, unique individuals.
7.  They are respectful, intelligent and insightful.
8. They listen to me even when I babble.

8 things I’ve learned this past year

1. Who my friends are...
2. How much I have grown as a person
3. I need to be truer to myself, and a little more uncompromising
4. I am a confirmed neat freak, and that's OK.
5. I've been selling myself short, and my friends can only tell me so many times what I already know.
6. I'm still fragile, but I am also a very strong survivor.
7.  I've got a gypsy heart and that no place is truly home.
8. I've got a lot more growing and learning to do.

I cut out the last 8.....8 people I think should do the 8 because I think that some of my friends might be weary of the questionnaire sort of thing.  It does take a certain introspection and is more difficult than one might imagine.

Whew I feel accomplished.OK....one down. Now onto the rest of the day and the rest of the list!

bulleted

i'm a list maker from a long ways back.

the size and scope of the lists have changed over the years but i've always felt this compulsion. when i was younger i carried the list in my head, and it was short; a small list of things i wanted to do in the very near future. later, as the responsibility of running a household fell on my shoulders i began to accumulate tasks that needed doing and soon came with it budgetary restraint and a list of items that needed buying came to be. still later, after doing some travelling and meeting other travellers; reading articles in the weekend papers i began another-- a destinations list. at this point, i have all these lists and then some. there is the restaurants to try; my burgeoning list of favourites on my browser that include reading, sundry information and issues and topics of varied interests. and also now, since my memory has become less than trustworthy i am constantly writing in the small journal i carry--a running list of notes of intent and things i simply don't want to forget. 

i think by creating all of these lists that there lives the optimistic hope that i will acquire the objects or accomplish the goals, but mostly the lists just continue to expand now to epic proportions making the administration of them increasingly unwieldly. with all these lists comes the administration of them all; they need fairly regular reviews, revisions and editing as things get done. or don't. on a daily basis, or when i feel energetic enough, i read and reread through my little book and all my lists to make sure i am actually making some headway, but it's fairly safe to say that i'm not.

i'm sure there's something else i'm meant to do. i wonder what it was...........

feeling human

i'm nervously twisting the chunky ring i wear on my thumb; the celtic inspired band given to me by my l'il bro on my big four-oh. the bus trundles with excruciating sloth down oak street towards the city centre.  i'm on my way to visit bren in the hospital. to be honest, i've been procrastinating and putting it off for the better part of a week, since i read with some shock her facebook status as in the hospital.  i've got no excuses anymore save for my mood. i'm in that black unhappy place.

the sun is shining so i force myself. force myself to take on a sunny disposition in the face of my angst hoping the cheesy cliche takes hold and things will lift a bit. i dread hospitals for the same reasons most everyone else does. it's seldom a joyous event when you find yourself summoned or compelled to visit. the day is glittering bright and i open my eyes wide, as if by doing this i can absorb enough light and its bright energy to feel more like a more willing participant in the human race. here again, am i. never can seem to get ahead of it. it's always lurking somewhere there in the long shadows around the corners of my everyday.

i arrive to find her being attended to by nurses fussing with the bed and getting her organized since her transfer up to the ward from ICU.  i am a little shocked to see that her small frame hardly seems to dent the covers. she is dwarfed further by the collection of bleating, dripping equipment with its tangles of attendant tubing that's taking up the corner beside her bed.  this wasn't supposed to be how i next saw her. we were supposed to be meeting soon to talk of her triumphs and progress in the past several weeks. she had been training hard daily as part of a contest she had won. her success story was to be revealed soon in 24. i stay longer than i intend, but it's ok.  i'm not forcing it. we chat breezily as if we are enjoying a sunny afternoon on a little cafe patio; idly luxuriating in an extraordinary day....... i say my goodbyes and feel a jolt of emotion when i clasp her hand as i leave. i've known Bren for almost 20 years now and i'm only now just beginning to realize how much i care for her. she's one of us--the tough survivors.

i walk out into the cool of the early evening and i feel a small swell of elation. my breath moves through me slowly and relaxed. i feel calm. i've found myself pushed into an upswing with the realization yet again that i have my health--as relatively flawed and imperfect as it is; friends; family; a life that is worthwhile, and there is a reason to carry on.

less than zero

i am swirling toward the bottom. 

i don't know how to do this starting over thing anymore. the notion that i should work for the same money i did while in my late twenties and early thirties and be happy about it just doesn't cut it. and, i don't want to go on toting this same chain. what i did out of necessity, because i had another mouth to feed, just isn't motivation enough anymore. the whole job search process itself is dehumanizing and demoralizing. i register with the agencies, perform like a superstar and the results are zip.  the results of all their "work" is nada. nothing in any of that makes me feel good about myself, but i know i am better than how they sell me. to be honest,  i'd rather spend the money on a billboard or stand on the side of a busy roadway with a sandwich board around my neck declaring my abilities and worth.

funny thing is, apparently Canadian companies are recruiting abroad for a lot of jobs, when we here at home, are scratching and clawing for what we can get. none of these professions is related to any of those that i'm working at getting. i'm stuck in the pink ghetto, and dying to get out. now it's how. i'm afraid i don't have the tools. i never have. extreme desire--yes; will--some, with a pinch of grit, but a whole lot of dough for the education, of that i have little to none. i am thinking now of the 4-year writing program at u of t i wanted to enrol into in toronto; a four year discipline. i wanted that so bad, but the cost--astronomical and well beyond my reach. i felt my hopes fall and my dreams fade. i am not made of the stuff that transcends that sort of disappointment very well. i buck up, soldier on and then i do what i have to do to pay the bills while my hope languishes.

all the while, in the face of it, i am clinging to the smallest shred of composure. stuck out here in the no-man's land of where we live now. now if i were slogging it to work i probably wouldn't notice as much, but it sure isn't nourishing me at all.  it's so much bland nothingness. i have to travel in a bus down to broadway--32 blocks north--to visit the nearest decent coffee place and to feel somewhat connected. there  is a mall west of here, about 15 minutes on the bus, but it's shiny glossiness doesn't reassure me at all. it pushes my mood lower. i fear i've not much further to go.

dark

the solar globes are a bit of a wash. i just looked out the window and i see it's dark on the balcony. with the amount of sun they can manage to absorb it only seems to guarantee about 2 hours of their glowing. hardly suitable if we were to have a gathering of some sort.  i went to the canadian tire website and saw that there were rave reviews about this product. i am assuming all these people had either southern or eastern exposure. shame really. it's another one of those live and learn things.

going solar

maybe today the solar lights on the balcony will shine tonight. one can only hope. since purchasing them, only a couple weeks ago, they've used up all the energy they cane with.  a string of grey and rainy days hasn't helped the effort at all. well, we had one sunny day there, but clearly it wasn't enough. they've been dark ever since.