everyday is d. day

in the morning dark

i believe that what goes around comes around. i know a lot of people say this but don't employ the right tactics to get karma working for them. i was exposed briefly to tao many years ago and it purports that simple acts of good and bad will not necessarily be reciprocated in the next life, but i prefer to think of it that way, anyway. it's simpler. so i help where possible, chirp hellos and good morning and generally try to live an honourable life. i think it is just a good way to be. it also makes me feel better.  today is a dark and miserable morning and i should have been laying in, but the not so small matter of survival doesn't allow for that, so here i am wating for a bus that will take me to one bus and then another that will take me to the middle of nowhere--then i will walk for 15 minutes--for some training. i never believed i'd be doing this, but i am not above it. in the starbucks i exchange some levity and pleasantries to the girl behind the till. even though i am not happy about where i am going it doesn't seem so bad. i'm not feeling it but i'm going with it. i leave with my coffee singing to myself to billy idol. a little flesh for fantasy. got the retro vibe. the beauty of the 'burbs is that everyone is in their car and can't hear my vocal stranglings. on the negative, i've got to pay attention. sidewalks are in short supply. and alternate from one side to the other with no apparent rhyme or reason.

it reminds me of that brief time at the bay. in t.o. and it reminds me of danivia, an energetic brazilian woman of generous spirit i met while on training there. i spent two christmases surrounded by air filled with love and the robust portuguese language.  our disparate lives took us in differet directions and i have often wondered where she is now.

but does it make sense?

i don't know why, but during some spurt of entrepreneurial will, i signed up for google adsense. now i'm meant to do something with it and whizbang a little passive commerce begins. however, the simple tutorial doesn't make any sense. but maybe it is my frazzled brain at the end of the week.

i imagine that ny kind of problem solving or computing would leave me shaking my head with incomprehension. this deserves light of day inspection. my next opportunity doesn't arrive until next week saturday. this weekend is a wash. literally and figuratively. the rains are are doing some washing up for the city. for how long is anybody's guess. the weatherman claims to have a pretty good guess, but it being november easing into december i think it could be that all bets are off.  

rain on me

woke up to rain hammering on the roof in a steady rhythm that made it sound like some kind of white noise. at first i couldn't figure out the source of it. groggy. not enough sleep, and even less desire. running on empty. it's friday, but my week is not over yet. got some mandatory bogus training for another job, the one that will hopefully pay the bills once this contract is over. i'm counting the days to the end of december, partly because it means the end of this contract and it will take me to the end of christmas. now i said i wanted a job, right? yes, but not one as stressful and demanding as this.

so it goes...it underscores my need to let the creative in me out. now i know i will probably make a lot less money than i need to live on, however somehow it seems worth it. however impractical, it seems worth the doing, or at least the trying. there's a lot if's at play too. if the employers in vancouver had noticed me before i burnt up all my savings; if my stocks had arrived and hadn't been delayed while things were still sort of stable and when they were still worth something significant and more than my original investment; if fanny mae and freddie mac hadn't got themselves into a world of trouble, and if that trouble hadn't eclipsed the world at large and caused the cascading market collapse. if only the people in the markets hadn't gotten all freaked out and reacted, badly. if if if.

for the birds

there’s been a murder occurring every night as i leave work. it’s black, macabre and slightly heinous. in the dusky beginnings of the evenings the crows gather in droves to haunt the skies around where i work. they land and linger in the trees and hover in the sky in numbers too many to count; all wing flapping and endless cawing, filling the air as much with their noise as they do their presence. it's an unsettling end to the day. as i pass they take wing in unison and the sky becomes inky with their undulating blackness. i don’t believe it’s good luck if a bird shits on me, so i am trying to avoid the horde without too much success. the whole scene reminds me of hitchcock's birds and, of brenda’s recent unfortunate experience. i am half afraid one of them will come divebombing at me thinking i am some sort of menace while i make my way up the hill out on the exposed bridge deck.

i can’t remember experiencing this thing with birds since i used to pick up Matt from daycare on Westminster Highway. in that instance, it was small brown birds, much less menacing by half. i wonder if it has something to do with open spaces. i have figured out that it has something to do with the waning light of day.

i breathe in the air deeply--as fresh as it can be on the side of a highway--and attempt something at relaxing while i stride up the hill. at least today i don’t feel like collapsing on the side of the highway like i did the day before.

another day down. another 20-some to go.

sun on sat

after last night's fury and bluster we wake to a flawless azure calm. spirits lifted i head out with time to spare and a disposition as sunny as the day. i'm going to my first meeting that is aimed squarely at improving my mental health. i received an email about love from the man who leads the group which was a little pithy and trite but no less true. it's in the little things we find the most solace and joy. it's the small details that the most beautiful flourishes are discovered that nourish us. i try to hang onto this, savour the sensation of it caressing me. and for the moment i am in a brief state of bliss.

it doesn't appear that there will be many of us in attendance at first, but by the time we are done with our breathing and a few of us in the circle have introduced themselves all the chairs are filled. after the few minutes of breathing i feel lighter and the tension has been released from me if only briefly. as each story is shared i am beginning to feel a surging rush come over me. it's not that i relate entirely, i am as unique as everyone here, but something is resonating within me and i begin to lose my composure. i am trying to listen but i am engaged in a battle not to succumb to my swirling emotions.

i gather myself, and then find myself swooning a bit when speak to the class briefly in response to one of the men in the class. i am almost manic in contrast to his muted inertia. the release of  of words tinged with such emotion, causes the adrenalin to course through my body and i begin to shake and shiver; my body feels to me to cool rapidly. the class has been over for over an hour and i'm still trying to get warmth back into my fingers.

another day and a few bucks too

i notice that gas is 89.9 at the esso as we zoom by. i can't remember when i last saw it under 90 cents now. the market is in some sort of turmoil that i don't entirely understand, except it seems to be a cascading, perpetual domino effect fully engulfed in a downward spiral. i do know that my stocks are in the toilet. for now. if i live long enough maybe i'll get my money back and a little bit more for my patience in hanging in. it's raining again. still. i got off a perfectly comfortable and uncrowded 20 only 4 blocks into the trip to get some wine. it's friday and i deserve it. dammit. this has been one of the longer weeks in recent memory. i've not written a single word until now and i've toted the camera with me every day, but it has remained idle. i'm either striding quickly to get to work or hoofing it up the hill to get to the skytrain station. focused and completely unwilling to stop to capture anything. and, to be completely frank. the landscape and surroundings of willingdon avenue don't offer much. asphalt in suburbia.

came out of the toby's cold beer and wine and the rain ran at me, slashing out of the sky; driven by an erratic, tempestuous wind. i gave up on my umbrella after a brief struggle. the building overhang didn't offer much protection against the rain so i ended up a little damper than i would like. one bus was packed. the next empty, but it doesn't stop and the bus driver doesn't even acknowledge us getting pissed on by the elements. me and another girl now at the stop exchange our common beefs against the transit system. saying that if we got paid the 200k we could sort the situation out. thankfully the next one is close behind. now i'm on the bus and i've got a seat and i'm on my way home. i'm as happy as a person who isn't independently wealthy and not the master of their own domain can be.

there's a woman in the back corner of the bus talking to herself very dramatically. enunciating more than the average person. i would say it even appears that she is rehearsing lines. the people closest to her are trying very heroically to ignore her. she's totally underdressed for the weather wearing some slinky sleeveless number of a dress and tights.  (i think it's a he who is a she, but it doesn't explain the lack of proper protection against the elements. it's just an observation.) i don't hold talking to oneself against people. i do it all the time. it's only that i usually keep the volume rather low for the benefit of those around me.

I've sent off my timesheet. (what a radical notion!) and decompressed a little after a sniff of wine. i've got notes that i had typed up which need to be amended and appended. it's becoming a bit of a novel, but better a comprehensive set of instructions and information rather than some elliptical shorthand version that leaves me scratching my head and lost. i've got 3 days to ask the girl that is training me any questions i might have. i could have a few that don't get asked because every day this week presented a whole new set of duties.

i can do this. i really can. just need to relax a bit.

day 1

new job. jumping onto the learning curve. hanging on and hoping it's not too steep.

the bus driver is a complete maniac. we're all holdiing on for dear life, but we make good time.. a good thing. today is a day that would be a perfect to be out and about--a long walk day. already feeling the pinch of responsibility, d? i think it's just nerves. afterall, there's a lot riding on this. it was so hard won, but will it be worth it?

when we arrive in burnaby the air around the train car is thick with cottonball fog, completely changing the outlook of the morning suddenly. i've overdone it with the layers and by the time i begin to hoof it in earnest, i'm beginning to sweat. ignoring the trip plan offered by translink the trip has taken 45 minutes including the walk. not very long, but it would have been better if i could have actually sat down and read on the bus down for the 20 minute portion of the trip instead of having to cling to an overhead bar.

the learning this, is exhausting. i had the feeling that i would never get it and i got thicker and denser by the end of the day. that, i am sure, can be attributed to information overload.

friends

i just got a text from a friend with a heartfelt msg in four parts. it doesn't help that i'm a sentimental fool and that i simply miss him as much as i do. as one of the tdot contingent we spent a lot of time together dancing nites away, potlucking, socializing and growing a friendship. he is someone i consider a friend for life--not to be confused with BFF because it isn't nearly so transient or shallow.

it's funny how we forge these relationships out of chance. if i'd never gone to toronto i'd never have met some incredible true people. starting over is tough, but i'm discovering the quality of people i met while i carved out a life there....and i'm not sure i couldn't truly appreciate that without their physical absence here.

lost and windblown

i had a nice little post composed on my blackberry, but i've just discovered it's gone. there are limitations to the typepad application on blackberry, because you can only save a draft on the device itself or publish it live. because the type is so small on the blackberry i can't really see so well what has been written and i don't want it going live out into cyberspace without first having a chance to edit it first. but then i forgot. so last night when i was monkeying around, taking out the battery and putting in the media card, it somehow got blasted into oblivion, because it's not there anymore.

yesterday, i had an interview way out in the corner of southwest richmond. i never made it. it's crucial when travelling to the suburbs that every connection be made. this is a choreography i have seldom been able to accomplish. and, the thing is, when this happens, and one is standing in the middle of nowhere with no chance of the next bus arriving anytime soon, there's not much that can be done but wait or surrender to the fact that one is at the mercy of the transit gods (who are seldom fair.) so after over an hour of travelling and over an hour left to travel (including wait, travel and a 15 minute walk) i figured that the position was probably not a good fit even if it was a dream job. 5 hours of travel a day hardly made it ideal. i was going to be ridiculously late, and that hardly makes a good impression, so i chose instead to email and let her know that despite all my best efforts, it's probably not going to happen. she emails me back, thanking me for the effort.

now the pace of my day has suddenly slowed and i feel the stress slide off of my shoulders, for the moment. i'm still technically jobless. i stride up no. 3 road, winter winds swirling around me in a clear day. i observe the growth that has occurred since i last spent any time there. what used to be a favourite cafe is still a cafe, but the name has changed. tall condos thrust themselves into a sky where there used to be nothing but lowrise buildings and patches of dirt. the RAV station is almost complete and they are running trains on the tracks. from where i don't know to destination nowhere. i do a little idle informational shopping at best buy, resisting the urge to delve into the small mall with its big box stores. there's still resumes to send and errands to run.

the bus is i board is fairly empty, and i sit near the back in the sideways facing seats. i can't get at my usual favourite spot the --one of the forward facing seats right at the back. i know it's transit and it's not fun, but it can be pleasurable if you don't have to hang from a bar for 45 minutes. a few minutes into the trip the sketchy, twitchy looking gent, sitting in one of those harrumphs loudly and spits on the floor at his feet. i am appalled. i don't think i've ever sort of witnessed anything so disgustingly uncouth. (oh except for that time a couple of weeks ago. i stared that pig down and had a bus full of people on my side. i can't believe however, that someone would actually feel like it is okay to do that.) i felt my stomach heave a little bit. the girl sitting opposite him audibly muttered "gross!" to herself. himself didn't seem to notice. i was ready to offer him a kleenex should he have felt the need to do it again.

a time for remembrance

we've opted out of going to the cenotaph at victory park for the remembrance day service. it's almost an hour's trip and it's raining. still. but we are watching it on tv instead. a swell of emotion rises in me. i've watched, stood and listened dozens of times before, yet it gets me every time.

i could hear the rain falling all night beating a steady, rapid tattoo tap-a-tap-tap on the the windows and the ground below. i had to get up during the night several times and the thrumming tempo helped me fall back to sleep. it appears now winter has begun in earnest, or we are easing into in the way i remember and so it begins. i am trying not to look at it with trepidation and dread, though reprieves like yesterday go a long way to taking the edge off it.

maybe it will be different this time around. as it is, i'm missing the swirling snows of toronto and the calming hush it brings as it descends; its enveloping cloak of white brightening the landscape as it lays itself down.

i fired up the computer to do some research on the company i am interviewing with tomorrow and found the wireless down, yet again. i think it is time to upgrade the router. *sigh* i go into the den, get down on my knees and unplug the cord and wait the requisite time and then plug it in again. when it is necessary to refresh the ip, i have to go through this choreographed nonsense with the  modem as well. i do this so often i wonder "why don't these things come with switches on them?"

i am nervous about my interview, and a bit peeved. this is a temporary gig, but there's a chance it could go to permanent. the deal is though, that the company is nickel and diming over salary. this is a high-volume accounting position and the $$ are now hovering at least 6K a year less than than the market rate. the company is huge--making money hand over fist--and should be paying people what they are worth, instead they are employing a perogative i don't much respect. however, with the wolves at the door, i am going to put my game face on and do my best; and ask a pertinent question or two of them. i am trying to figure out a way to phrase it so i sound interested and engaged and somewhat knowledgeable. harder than it sounds.

"hey buddy, can you spare a dime?" "a job?"