i never would have thought, given my lack of discipline and massive talent in the art of procrastination, that i would have hit the marker of 1000. they haven't all been top quality A-number one, but i've been puttin' them out there. some posts have been inspired bits of lyrical and poetic storytelling; others angst-ridden dark rides through deep chasms in my depression; there have been words i couldn't otherwise speak because my monster--trigeminal neuralgia--made it impossible; dirges sung of hurt and anger-fueled rants when i've felt violated or hard done by.
all of it is who i am at any given moment. of course it depends on the moment. for the most part i aim for a shiny happy mindset, but it can be work sometimes, and the perpetration of a fraud because that is not what anyone's life is about and certainly not mine. whatever has been going on i've been working some of it out here. therapy is expensive and i can't afford that at the moment. hanging your butt out there for public viewing makes you honest. or more honest anyway. and it's scary. but less scary than the alternative; strange as that may sound. i think my some of biggest breakthroughs i've made in facing my demons head on occurred through the bits of scribbling i did here.
the dichotomy exists in the fact that i am still a rather intensely private person. it is a contradiction, but my need to express something of myself in word and images trumps my desire to hide from the light.
right now i am working on a post about my recent san francisco trip. it's looking awfully long already and i'm not even to the stage where i've gotten off the bus there. sometimes i wax a little on the loquacious side. i'm trying to decide if i should break it down into days or make it one long protracted post. first, though i have to get all the words down onto "paper". that's the hardest part, believe me. revving up the machine and getting it going. it sputters and balks, but once it gets going, it becomes easier; a force unto itself; the physics of the words moving through space take over.
here's to 1000 more.
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