everyday is d. day

some starbucks contemplation

it's cool out today. the weather is beginning to turn. i had to dig out a sweater for the short stroll down to starbucks for coffee because there is none in the house. it might seem extravagant, but the indulgence has been whittled down a weekly instead of a daily ritual. and it doesn't have that wicked feel of spending when the funds are simply deducted from my pretty little coffee card.  the budget is $25 for 4-6 weeks. when it hits zero i contemplate seriously whether or not to refill it or not. i let some time pass and then i feed it again, right around the time i crave a good grande half full americano.

it is nice to be out of the house. i'm sitting at the sbux in a window seat that sidles the sidewalk, warmed by the late morning sun through the window. there's the hum and buzz of conversations around me and unmistakable hissshhhh of the steaming of milk. i write this remotely thanks to shaun's crappy pc, since my portable beauty has essentially been rendered a desktop not so long ago.  i'm finally making use of a bell hotspot courtesy of that coffee card i carry around in my wallet.

(oh i'd love to replace my beloved with a shiny new beloved. that was the suggestion to cure my woes. if i could grow money on a whim like that i would be hitting the cyber-pavement every day in search of a job.  the problem was supposedly of my own making--a spill--but i don't recall spilling anything on it. bijou, what is it you do in the night, you frisky little feline? the investment of $500 into it in the summer simply made it so the cord into the machine charged it up, but now it doesn't even do that anymore. i can think of a lot of things could have done with that $500. oh well. )

i've scanned the classifieds and updated my facebook status, since i've come out of hiding. not officially. don't tell anyone, but i am somewhat ready to rejoin the living again. tentatively.

nothingness

i'd have to look to know the last time i was here, smacking down a few words to feel a sense of accomplishment. my thoughts have been all over the place and they are still not organized. i am trying to make order. get them running in a straight line. no easy task. as anyone who knows me can attest, my stories and thoughts can sometimes take a circuitous path. i love a good story. i love to tell a good story. i miss relating stories of bad dates and other experiences to my friends who hooted in laughter as i animatedly acted out the experience as much as i described it. man i miss that.

i feel as though i've been dropped on an island and without those few things i can't live without. no one is to blame for this sense of isolation. i talk to no one i see no one until the end of day when my man comes home hassled and spent from his toiling. every day alone in my apartment i struggle to work up the enthusiasm to get what's needing done completed. i send out chirpy sounding cover letters with my resumes that are apparently zooming off into the ether. the sense of futility is staggering.

i'm in the pit of the biggest depression i've ever been in. i know the only way to combat it is to pull myself out, but i can't see the light so much. i act; throw up the facade to keep people from knowing, but i am also hiding. i don't lie when i say my favourite time is when i am asleep in my bed. when i can sleep. i toss and i turn, reviewing all the things i should have done, could have done, to avoid ending up in this place. i have thrown every piece of my life under the microscope for a closer view. it's not helping. for a time i stopped going to facebook, stopped updating my status. what was i going to say? that i was even more fucking miserable than i was yesterday? i've been taking the antidepressives for a month now, and i am not seeing much of a result except that i am now constantly hovering in a bland, nauseated brand of a different misery. my limbs are heavy, muscles weak and my head feels disconnected from everything as if someone has chopped me up and reassembled me with it suspended  close enough to feel as if it is still part of my body, but not quite.

it seems i didn't bounce this time when things went for shit. just hit in one giant splat. oh, it was different in the early halcyon days of the brilliant summer sun. that was when my optimism buoyed me and i had little debt and money in the bank to boot. now i feel like balance of my bank account. a big fat zero.

relaxing into saturday

strains of classical music drift around me. mozart and vivaldi. a lilting complement to the grey cast of the day. it's been raining all night and is predicted to go on this way the rest of the day. i don't mind. not today. through the gap of the bedroom window the sweet fragrance of grateful flowers and freshly mowed grass drift in to infuse the room. the air has been so stale lately, even with the window thrown wide open.

big coffee, two crosswords and a shower. almost ready for the day. it's kinda silly but i only just figured out that those silly shower puff thingys can make any sort of soap lather up like crazy, so the thin liquid of my dr. bronner's is now not just good for the planet, but it is a little slice of lavender, lathering heaven. a few deep inhales of that and my heart slows and every worry simply falls away. 

okay. i think i'm ready.

first day of september

a brand new month. could embark on a whole bunch of new things today or finally dig into the well of incompleted resolutions.

but, first things first. i found a place in the mall that does brows for 9 bucks, so contrary to my previous assertion i took care of a little business. if i am going to gaze at my reflection and ponder what the hell i am going to do with the rest of my life, it's better that my face isn't framed like brows that look like they belong on some old geezer. having one's eyebrows threaded can go one of two ways: it clears the sinuses and wakes you up or vaults you over the verge of tears.  either way it is best to wear big sunglasses because you leave looking like you've been smacked in the face and you've been crying about it.

i'm trying to get to it, trying to complete something. my head is foggy. i'm completely unmotivated and now i'm distracted. there's a bird across the way swings between birdsong and cat calls all day. when we first moved here i thought it was some strange person standing on the street amusing himself. it was slightly endearing, but now i want to know which balcony that bird inhabits so i can scale it and wring its neck. yesterday one of the dogs that's not allowed to be living in the building howled plaintively for hours, and is at it again today. some other neighbourhood dogs are getting into it now. i want find the owner and give 'em a talking to. it's a sure bet that they are clueless about how the dog feels about them being gone all day.

breathe...be cool....follow the breath. in and out.  ignore it. let go. let it go. 

and try to smile.