everyday is d. day

look it's a bird, it's a plane....no, it's the moon!

last night i watched the lunar eclipse. it was minus 20 out and i didn't want to dress in my whole winter warm ensemble to witness it.  i didn't watch it from front to back, all 4 hours of it. i set the timer at half hour intervals; piled on my coat and my boots on top of my lounging clothes--which consist of a cami and some slinky gauchos--and took my grandfather's old field glasses out to see what was going on in the sky. when i saw the first bite of darkness into the moon i was so excited i got s. out of bed to take a look. he was unimpressed. "i've seen hundred of eclipses" he declared. i really doubt this since i don't think there have been hundreds in his lifetime. however, he is sick and a little delirious, so i'll let it pass. the last eclipse i saw was a solar eclipse, which are by far more dramatic and exciting, but that was back when i was a young kid. so long ago, it exists almost as much as a fragment of my imagination or perhaps might be fact. i wanted to take a picture of it, but s. said it wouldn't be worthwhile it would be a small dot in blackness. i know he is absolutely right, but i wanted to try anyway. i busied myself with gazing at it instead, trying to get the optimal focus through the binoculars. through them it became so close it was if i could reach up and grab it out of the sky. with each 30 minutes that passed it became more noticeable and slightly more sensational. i watched until the the shadow passed all the way across the full breadth of it, shading it a brownish shade of orange. i never fail to be awestruck by these sort of events. i just can't help myself. the girl in me gets all giddy.

it's kinda boring but it's exciting too

i've never been one to dish out too many intimate details of a relationship, even the most catastrophic. save for some of the more gory, stupendous blundering errors that have occurred in days past; both of mine and the other party, but mostly the other party, of course.  i am essentially a private person. it's not that i don't open up. i am given to blurting some things out because i simply can't hold it in anymore (but this would be the only forum where that would apply). i just don't feel all that comfortable treading into certain territories. call it how i was badly raised or just how i have come to be, but that's just the way it is. i am no more interested in telling blow-by-blow details as i am listening to them and so if i find a conversation is veering that way, i will opt out. i am no prude, but i rather reserve judgement on that sort of thing.

and what does this have to do with anything? well, it could be said that in the heady mix of emotions swirling around in my head at the moment with a brand new person--of exceptional quality-- words fail me and in the grasping around in the mists to find the words to describe my life right now i am coming up with phrases that could be compared to the stuff of a victorian novel. words fall flat. and the only ones available to my vocabulary seem downright cliched and trite. and that really doesn't do justice to the place i have arrived at with this person in my life. it's in the sighs. the light grazes upon my skin; the gazes that hold mine, those of an absolute certainty cast by his eyes; speaking to me. i could go on for days doing absolutely nothing but that. we're not bungee jumping or jumping out of a plane, literally, but the way my stomach drops out sometimes we may as well be. there's the mundane cooking of dinner and going for walks that i derive pleasure from in a way i never did before. i am seeing things around me with a clarity that makes me feel like i was blind before.

wow

i haven't posted in a few days and although i was going to commit myself to the regular discipline of a post a day regardless how mere, i just haven't. lately, i've been distracted in the most astonishing way and i am unrepentently unapologetic. there.  you have it. i have a valid excuse or two: being away from my house, lack of access to a computer, but for the most part i've been engrossed in a new beginning, and i can't wait to see where it goes.

lotsa candles

today is my birthday. or rather, at this point , was. i vacillated over whether to have a party or not and in the end the decision was made for me: by the time i got to feeling in the mood there was no time to do anything about it. i don't think i was feeling all that celebratory anyway. or maybe i did, but it needed to be encouraged. a sort of catch 22. i shoulda and then i woulda. it's all moot now.

this year it neatly coincided with mother's day as it does every seven years. i thought i might treat myself on both scores regardless of the lack of rah-rah i was feeling. i meandered out, and in trying to avoid any packed mothers' day brunch situations, i ended up at local 4. there was a stiff breeze blowing that precluded loitering on the patio, so i sat inside at the bar; as the only patron in attendance. whatever sort of mood i was in when i arrived dissipated into a melancholy underscored with loneliness.  done and over until next year. and that's pretty much it. another year older and not particularly wiser. 

gettin up in someone's business

tacked up in the kitchen beside the neatly ordered pictures of the christmas party past is an article written by a gentleman who relates a recent experience while travelling to the united states. the upshot of the article is that he never did get across. in their infinite wisdom and diligent overzealousness the US border guards considered this learned and academic man persona no grata.   while checking through security at the border he admitted his use of lsd use some many years before. 30 to be exact. apparently there was an article, drifting around in cyberspace,  which he had published that related the story of how he felt seeing himself reflected in a colleague's eyes, and not liking what he saw.  (i googled him and i couldn't find the offending article.)

i can't help but wonder that while these laws are being so stringently enforced upon honest and upright citizens, how many criminals who have learned to work the system are breezing straight through without a hitch. experimenting with drugs in one's youth hardly means navigating a slippery slope that leads straight into recidivism of using and ultimately dealing drugs. one hardly becomes a drug dealer through being a party where pot was smoked; whether inhaled or not. if that were the case we'd probably have to close the borders altogether, in both directions. because applying that logic, most everyone would pose an undesirable threat. 

it seems to be the direction we are headed. slap a law on every aspect of human behaviour and situation and it will be regulated and/or prevented. what lawmakers don't realize is that all they are doing is building cages around everyone, good and bad. while the cheats and bad guys are forever working a novel approach to maneouvre around laws, civility and decency it doesn't even occur to the decent folk to try. do you think those ad campaigns directed at speeders and drunks are aimed at those who don't drink and drive or speed?  no, they are aimed with the hope of changing the ways of someone who already is an offender.  and that's what it's come down to. we're so paranoid and dependent on someone else to figure things out for us, we're letting fanatics make these judgements for us.

whoosh

the weekend moved past me like an impatient stranger in a crowd; brushing me hastily and then disappearing into space. where does the time go? why do these mere two days always speed by in a fashion so unlike the other five? they are such a precious commodity and so fleeting, almost intangible. you cannot seize them into your hands firmly to prevent them from slipping through your fingers.

i did rent a movie; click. ironic, since it involves time and travel through it, though not entirely; it made me tear up in a couple spots. it was the perfect complement to my friday. pathos, tragedy with a light touch of comedy. i watched it in two parts. good thing i didn't rent two movies, which i usually do because i cannot entirely figure what i want to watch. usually i pick the one i don't really favour and power watch or skip viewing the second entirely. i am always so ambitious at the end of the week, friday i couldn't make it to midnight. i watched the balance in the morning as i slowly eased into the day. i was up by 8 thirty, but even so it was noon before i left the house to chase around a few to-dos.

the day was brisk and glittered with vivid images in sharp relief against the clear canvas blue of the sky. i wore my trusty hat and walked on the shady side of the street--like i am supposed to--and squinted against the glare off the new snow when i found myself in the bright. st. patrick's festivities were planned for the evening; kicked off at the bishop and belcher at 6. got some temporary tattoos and stickers and a mandatory green beer and  then went to a party  with an especially keen bartender. the evening ended late and i felt surprisingly human the next day, although i put on my sweats and didn't get out of them or my apartment. i did nothing with the ridiculously lopsided  mass of my hair. i steadfastly refused to fuss, instead i delight in the perversely off-kilter angles jutting from my head. the day was spent mostly shifting from one side of my sofa to the other; snoozing and watching horrible tv. i tried reading for a spell, but i couldn't force my eyes to follow one complete sentence across the page. my one goal was to return the video, but i didn't do that either, even though i had to 11pm to do it. good thing there's no such thing as late fees anymore. perhaps i had ventured somewhat into overhang territory. i have had better days.

1/5 down

woke up feeling somewhat wretched and ill, and when i drank the saltwater concoction that is part of the cleanse, i was launched into the violently ill stratosphere. i was in a horrible state until around 1 'clock. thankfully i was unconscious during most of it. i slept  through most of it in punctuated sessions until around noon. i recovered, but i wonder about attempting the saltwater thing tomorrow morning. i actually quite dread even trying. i think maybe i'll just drink the tea and call it even. i had an appointment and had to force myself to leave and was in constant fear of embarassing myself.i've not even remotely hungry, though, which i find interesting. i wonder how much of my eating is governed by want and not need. though, i'm not heavy by any stretch of the imagination, it provokes some thought about those who are heavier and how great their want might be over need. hardly the sociologist or psychiatrist i can only muse on it for a few minutes and go hmmmm....

a gorgeous day; a little hazy but warm. the snow and ice is receding to reveal grey streets littered with debris. it's a big disgusting really. i feel better out in the warm of the sun sad truth is that i will never experience a sunny day the same way as i used to, since i now am mandated to avoid the sun, wear sunscreen and a hat when out in it and if i am to be completely vigilant, walk on the shady side of the street. that is, if i am going to avoid my melasma patches to come back completely. the three month treatment has done hardly anything at all and i have to say i am not surprised. despite the press of this product and its apparent leading edge ingredients and capabilities it has not worked for me.  this stuff should come with some guarantee, some hedge against the possibility that it doesn't live up to its press. my dermatologist seems to think that i should continue using  this stuff indefinitely, to suppress any further marking. fine and good, but she must think she is talking to someone for who expense is no object. at $260 a jar, no thank you is my immediate reaction. given the situation.

i was supposed to go out tonight. jay has got friends in town, and he's taking them out on a tuesday night. it's a big night at crews and tangos but i don't know what the turnout among invited friends will be.  the  festivities don't start til 11pm, which is round and about when i am making ready for bed. too late for a school night, even if it is a special occasion. i have to admit, i am not as young as i used to be and i really don't relish the though of trying to function with a serious sleep deficit. and, i'd be on water too, as well, which i can do, and i've done. besides, if you don't want to worship then you should just stay out of the temple.

tomorrow is another day. i've got to psych myself up for it. it's getting to be more and more like that.

blue

i finally broke one of my favourite wineglasses. i got the whole set at army and navy for a whopping $4+ tax. i bought only the four of them. i contemplated buying more, but i never did. i have always loved the  deepness of their blue and the curving edges of their bodies forming into a tulip's silhouette, with mouths wide open. the fact that they cost me so little but echo my sensibility and sense of style endeared them to me even more. they have been held with care in the hands of many; have attended celebrations and kept me company in solitary moments, cupping many deep ruby reds in their bellies. they travelled with me here, made the journey unscathed and waited patiently for me to press them into service again, idling in storage for months.

the break was one of those events that i see occurring in a sharp relief of clarity in the milliseconds before it happens. still it didn't prevent me from not putting in motion what eventually caused the calamity. it's as if i was compelled to simply let it happen. and so it did.

after i cleaned up the  chunks and shards of blue glass i immediately went onto the  internet to see  if i could replace  it, and maybe get myself a few more. as vast as the expanse of cyberspace is, i only found a few sites that  even offer any cobalt blue glass, and none that offered an even vaguely similar wineglass. there was one reminiscent of, but it wasn't all blue and one glass cost $54US. *sigh*.

and then there were 3. 

little me

i can tell when i've composed a post in word and finished it in ecto or typepad. the word bits has automatically capitalized the first words and the proper pronouns for me. it's annoying. i don't like the look of it. oh yes, grammatically incorrect blahblah....i wonder how many hours i could spend cleansing my posts of the aesthetic bother; unifying the erratic up-down-up down. sometimes caps, sometimes not. i think perhaps this reflects badly on me. like it points to an aspect of my nature. it's silly but it's true.

at last

the snow is lightly falling; like an escaping sigh; a small puff of exhalation. soft whispering. flakes dangle from the sky in an uneven but elegant formation; in languourous downward paths to the earth. they gather in mounds, surely wishing to be tossed against each other in a light wind instead of on the ground, as growing clumps in shallow drifts on lawns and sidewalks. back up in the inky, dark sky they mingled, met and swirled with such casual abandon. down here they are buried in a crush of their own making.  i catch a few drifters on my tongue. this is the sort of winter I like. the winter that crunches lightly under my footfall; that brings a rich, brisk aroma to the air.

i walked home tonight. the subway ride seems like such folly once I pass dundas. only two stops. once i crest gerrard it seems like home is just around the corner. The going is slow and somewhat difficult, the sidewalk is clogging up with slushly, grey snow, and it slips under my boots as I walk. It’s like the beach, without the sand, the sun or the warm. I am an enjoying it. Last night, quite by accident I did the same, but it was much colder, and a mean-spirited frigid air slapped my cheeks red.

I was stuck at work late trying to wrap up everything I could imagine needing done before my holiday. I tried to be smart, and anticipate what needed doing. I got so much resistance and a definite lack of of cooperation from some of those I was trying to help. Why I work so hard I’ll never know. It is seldom if ever acknowledged and who will notice while I am gone? No one will understand my value because what I left behind will all be there when I get back, along with the never ending aggravation and hassle.  By the time Friday came I was so done in I wanted to weep my sweet relief.

My holiday. The week dragged so, with each day closer to Friday seeming longer than the last. I am going home finally. Yes, home. I’ve never really stopped thinking of Vancouver this way if I thought about it honestly. All my loves are there, my family. My son. Growing taller and stronger and more mature without me there. I’m so jealous of the city that has him in its arms every day; so far from me. That city. the with which I had the most tumultuous of relationships. I thought I hated it, but it turns out I loved it along. hardly a day has passed when it hasn’t been in my thoughts. I have longed for it; Lately I’ve been revisted by those who knew me then, sort of; some I’d long forgotten.