everyday is d. day

got work to do

i arrive home gutted after my day at work. didn't help trundling home on the train standing wedged in the narrow aisle, after hassling my way in, slightly damp but too warm. my wet weather coat is suited to much cooler temperatures.  i did have the presence of mind to plug my ipod in before i got on. i suspected as much. this is the drawback of travelling during "rush hour". last week i had to let a train go by.

it's just one day. i could not imagine having to engage in this every day. in Toronto i avoided the crush by walking to work; simply not an option now.

with some gritty determination, i employed some underused TO commuting skills to elbow past some oblivious commuter blocking the door. (sharp elbows and height are a definite advantage.) however, this behaviour is one i will never understand. we all would like easy unobstructed access to the door, but making like an immovable object when people are trying to get past you is simply the action of....a dunderhead, idiotstick, well somebody that complete lacks the inability to consider the needs of others.

i begged off cooking dinner and made for the sofa and the sweet relief of simply sitting down on something vaguely comfortable. i have no idea how i managed to attend to all the mundane household tasks (including cooking dinner) when i worked full time. it seems an impossibility now.

blow out the candles

no wiser, no richer. that's where i'm at.

for my birthday the weather gods have summoned a standard issue grey day to serve as the backdrop.  the day isn't exactly opening its arms to welcome me with a soul affirming embrace, and i don't run into it either, but i have places to go. i gaze out upon it and ponder the progress i've made over the last year. it's not good. if anything, i've lost some ground. and i had worked so hard to get to that place.

i sigh, i've gone through it over and over again. doesn't matter how i spin it it doesn't get any easier to swallow. this time last year i was singing karaoke for the last time at crews tango surrounded by friends, got in three songs and made a night of it. and this time last year i was saying goodbye to my work buddies over the course of the weeks leading up to a going away party.  i had squealed like a wee girl in delight over the gift i had received--an iphone. the glow of optimism and new adventure flushing my cheeks. i was on my way here. 

now, after almost a year, i am deep in debt, and more than slightly disillusioned. it has definitely not been a banner year. quite the contrary, and it's not looking all that rosy going forward. no, not at all. how i do i possibly  ramp up and maintain the momentum again when there is so little reward?

i don't know what is on the agenda for this year and i can't say i care that much. i've been up since 6. i took my computer downtown for a reprise on the repair and had wandered around like someone looking for their lost puppy ever since. i imagine there'd be cake and drinks if i worked anywhere. anywhere.....

truth be told, if i could feasibly manage it, i would crawl under a rock and just stay there.

nothing doing

today i deemed it not a very good idea to go stomping about the city after yesterday's foray. the way my foot was throbbing last night, i thought it better to keep it up. of course,  the day has developed into one of those that defines a gorgeous spring day. i'm plugged to the wall with a view right out the bedroom  slider. a breeze pushes in the open gap.

every day has is about the de rigeur routine of searching the classifieds for anything that comes close to within my skill set, which in and of itself has become humdrum in the constant. and it occurs to me as a brief flash as i come up from the garbage room, that my life has become uncomfortably small. it is more than just there mere fact that my disposable income simply isn't. it is earmarked to pay my bills and it's down to mere survival. and survival isn't a whole lot of fun for the most part.  sure, there are no bad days at work,  but there are no silly stories around the water cooler or lunches at the foodcourt or out in the sun either. none of that human contact that is so important. those people formed part of my support system that is noticeably absent now. sometimes the most exciting thing that happens around the apartment is that bijou hacks up a furball. my day to day life is mired in the domestic and i've not enjoyed that since i had a wee one to shuttle around to waterbabies.

i can't imagine that my prose is very scintillating either. i want to put something down, but it's hardly anything to write about anywhere.

dreamweaver dreamweaver spin me a dream--please!

if there's one thing i've learned in this slipping on the learning curve is that sometimes the online resources available are thoroughly inadequate. perhaps it is the program is still new. and no one truly offers anything for free. there are several websites that offer tutorials for a price, and i am of the mind that it is debatable how valuable these would be based on my experiences with the tools i have purchased.  i bought a book that calls itself a classroom in a book but it has fallen short of answering every question i have had. and, as is usual, many of the topics only receive a cursory explanation. they are written with inherent assumptions. for example, from the mere two pages dedicated to handling flash files the instructions go something like this: "insert the file into"....the file, the file i have to create. the file that cannot be created with dreamweaver alone. it requires an extension--a crucial point which is not mentioned--which i finally clued into after an hour of searching the www in vain for something resembling a comprehensive tutorial.  in dreamweaver cs3 the slideshow is easily accomplished by choosing the photos out of the flash panel. simple as that. voila! only in cs4 that panel doesn't exist. and so began the hunt.  it's a good thing there is learning happening, otherwise i'd say it was another afternoon i'll never get back. and it was a glorious afternoon.

another thought or two

this sort of reminds me of the old days in t.o......

when i lacked for anything else better to do, or wearied of walking, i would walk just a little longer over to the old nick and hang with the locals and the bartender, who came to own the bar eventually. somehow it felt like home. the irony of this was that this was the place where my stalker "fell in love with me", as we used to de-stress after a hair-straight back shift of making and serving up overpriced yuppie pizza. (but it was damn good pizza. had i the airfare and a hankerin' for pizza i'd fly back in a heartbeat. of course i would linger awhile and visit my dear toronto friends.) it was not easy work. it was messy, overheated work; performed on a slippery floor on my feet for several hours and it was stressful work too. when people want their expensive pizza dammit, they want it! and they expect perfection every time.

the experience humbled me, a lot. it also taught me some of the vagaries of human nature, some of the more sinister, insidious, nasty and petty aspects of it, unfortunately. the shop happened to be walking distance away from my apartment, but at the time it was the only job i could get. pride was a luxury i simply couldn't afford at the time. good thing i got my dinner included. at least i didn't have to worry about starving.

i've stopped in at penny lane, at the connection where one bus meets the other. my feet were frozen lumps encased in rubber so i thought i would stop over for a bit. now the thing lacking is the proximity to greektown, my funky little apartment but mostly christine, the consummate hostess/bartender. the woman never failed with a smile or a "hi how are you?".  the difference is that now i have more than my cat at home. i now have a relationship there. it wouldn't go unnoticed me hanging out at a pub all day, unless i had just said i had gone shopping.

so penny lane..... it's smaller than the pub we sometimes frequent closer to home, and the decor is similar. actually it almost looks like exactly the same place only oriented differently. it's like being in a mall. you might forget exactly where you are if you don't pay attention to the smaller details. perhaps that is precisely the aim. the proprietor doesn't want you to know how much time is passing or how much money you might be spending. i like this place better already because the wine selection is far superior and very reasonable and what they do serve doesn't come in tiny abbreviated "baby glasses", and the wine is poured from the small measure carafe into a big goblet presented at the table. free wireless internet isn't advertised but is available and it is a connection of which i am currently taking advantage. and my feet are slowly warming up. i'm just getting comfortable.

all that i can be?

i'm sitting here in waves cafe thinking about nothing in particular while smooth jazz grooves in the background and i am struck by one very specific thought: i need to change my life completely. now i don't know what this entails exactly. is it venue? not sure. is it job? absolutely. outlook? ditto. this is a recurring thought, it has been plaguing me, revisiting me for years now. i think that 2009 should be the year i don't brush it aside with negative thoughts that i can't for any number of excuses and reasons.

i want to be a person who is remembered as someone relevant beyond merely being a person that was liked or was just a good person, a mother and friend. these are not without merit and i am proud of my son and of the quality friends i have managed to find, forge relationships with and with whom inhabit my life. what this is all about is that i would like to accomplish something that is larger than myself or any of the people that populate my life. i want to make be involved in and accomplish something that is much larger than myself. this ho-hum existence of going out there and slogging it out to simply keep a roof over seems so.........irrelevant. all it does is inspire escapist notions of being anywhere else but here.

first crash then burn?

we had our final exam today in the web design intro class. the largest element of the exam was creating a simple website with tables; something we've learned in the last couple sessions. and it goes something like this: we open notepad and start coding. we don't do it ourselves, we follow the instructor. and as it happens, the past two weeks i have been working at my challenging contract job, which leaves me little energy for much of anything else, especially learning, since i've been stuffing my brain with learning the workings of an entirely foreign accounting system.

i talked to myself all the way to main and 41st, so distracted i didn't put up my umbrella and i was good and damp by the time i got home, after a serious misting out of the night sky.

as an aside, after i uploaded my last assignment again, i wrote the instructor a brief note and he sent me back a very encouraging and positive message, telling me not to be discouraged. telling me that i know what i need to practice, which is true. as i worked on the assignment earlier that night, and although i wasn't in class anymore, i was learning and enjoying the process, even if it isn't second nature.

there are life lessons that come to us from all different places, and it is important to keep a proper perspective on them. this was mine. i'm not a rock star, merely human and everything takes time to attain.

those were the days

a dusting of rain and a haphazard  smattering of a grey against the sky. that's today. it's not so nice, but it's OK. it's a refreshing change from the sweltering heat that's become the norm. today i can actually wear my jacket.  i could stand to take it off but i'm averse to dragging it around at the end of my arm. i've got my iPod tuned into some ambient chill and i'm in no hurry. i sort of designed the day this way. so far so good. but, then again, there is something simmering under the surface but i just push it down and ignore. it's better that way.

lately i've been thinking that if the pay were just a tad better, or my rent were less, it wouldn't be so bad working at the magic oven right now. those were simpler times; even with the hassles of old stalker dude. all you had to do was take the order and follow it through and the fans were happy. this nonsense of corporate uniforms and hoop jumping is simply tiring. oh yes, and that whole business of having one's intelligence insulted. i really can't wrap my head around that either.  i've not figured out what my dream is and how far i can reach to grasp it, but it could stand to show itself any time now so i could get on with it.

fuck...pt. ?

fucking human wreckage is what i am right now. i don't know what's wrong with me. oh yes, i do, but not precisely. that's the whole problem. if i could put my finger on it i could stave off the flood from that tiny hole somewhere down there that is getting larger by the minute i would. drowning is no way to go. eddies are swirling, i'm sinking and it's generally bad. i could get blow by blow but there's nothing quite as unattractive as a girl who says too much. that's not very ladylike, now is it? suffice it to say, i'm not graceful in my agony. i've had concerned people leaning over my short wall to inquire into my wellbeing. it's not good, but it's not what they think. it's not the beast that is tormenting me but an altogether different animal. it also resides at a similar address, but is not as well received. afterall, the pain is almost as similarly difficult to quantify to those who don't experience it.

untitled

40 something days and counting. i'm losing track. one more than tomorrow, but one less than yesterday.

the weatherman has come through with the promised rain. it is intermittently spattering and pouring. a bad day to contemplate life. a perfect day to break in the puddle jumpers. if i were a baseball player (and i loathe the sport, and sports analogies for that matter), it might be said that i was slumping and my average was slipping. guess it's time to re-examine the drug situation. 

save tonight just came up in the rotation. made me think of sophie and her time in canada and how she pretty much wore out that track on one of her few cds.good times. now sophie is in guernsey and i'm going back to vancouver and i don't know when i'll ever see her again. it's a lot further from vancouver than it is from toronto, and for all my good intentions i didn't make the trip there while so much closer.

i went for my 3 month follow up mri. the hospital is eerie quiet, and the hallways are half shrouded in darkness. everything is shut--except for trusty timmie's. the usual throngs of people are absent. even the tv is off in the mri waiting area. but the wait is short so there isn't really a need for it. i'm going into the big 3T, which means nothing to me. i am told that it gives a more detailed image. i wish that on one of these forays into the big noisy machine that some giant mass would materialize and the surgeon would be forced to go in and fucking do something aggressive. this routine is appreciated, but maddens me as well. nothing like thorough and frequent follow-ups, but what about some action? be calm, girl. it'll work itself out somehow. you're a survivor, you'll make it through. *sigh*

i get my two gowns--one to wear front to back and the other to serve as a robe--and the spiel about locking my stuff and binning the gowns after.  the second gown makes for a more genteel and less immodest feeling, but stripped of our jewellery, and everything metal; wearing nothing but socks and underwear we are humbled and equal in status. there is a middle aged good son there with his mother, who is clearly more nervous about the whole thing than his mother, who will be going into the tube. hospitals have that effect on most of us. this time i notice when the table stops that a handwritten x that has been taped on with invisible tape. out of curiosity i raise my arm to brush the top of the tube. it is about 6 inches from my framed head. at some point in the procedure i notice my heart racing and i quiet it by closing my eyes. that's when i fall asleep as i generally always do. in the back of my semi-conscious head i worry that my light sleep twitchings will affect the image. the machine sings me no lullaby,to be sure, but somehow the bangings, clackings and knocks of the it put me right out.