everyday is d. day

1000 posts and counting

i never would have thought, given my lack of discipline and massive talent in the art of procrastination, that i would have hit the marker of 1000. they haven't all been top quality A-number one, but i've been puttin' them out there. some posts have been inspired bits of lyrical and poetic storytelling; others angst-ridden dark rides through deep chasms in my depression; there have been words i couldn't otherwise speak because my monster--trigeminal neuralgia--made it impossible; dirges sung of hurt and anger-fueled rants when i've felt violated or hard done by.

all of it is who i am at any given moment. of course it depends on the moment. for the most part i aim for a shiny happy mindset, but it can be work sometimes, and the perpetration of a fraud because that is not what anyone's life is about and certainly not mine. whatever has been going on i've been working some of it out here. therapy is expensive and i can't afford that at the moment. hanging your butt out there for public viewing makes you honest. or more honest anyway. and it's scary. but less scary than the alternative; strange as that may sound. i think my some of biggest breakthroughs i've made in facing my demons head on occurred through the bits of scribbling i did here.

the dichotomy exists in the fact that i am still a rather intensely private person.  it is a contradiction, but my need to express something of myself in word and images trumps my desire to hide from the light.

right now i am working on a post about my recent san francisco trip. it's looking awfully long already and i'm not even to the stage where i've gotten off the bus there. sometimes i wax a little on the loquacious side. i'm trying to decide if i should break it down into days or make it one long protracted post. first, though i have to get all the words down onto "paper". that's the hardest part, believe me. revving up the machine and getting it going. it sputters and balks, but once it gets going, it becomes easier; a force unto itself; the physics of the words moving through space take over. 

here's to 1000 more.

grin even when it hurts

i was reading a blog post i discovered through a running group that i never actually attend. never mind about that. i had good intentions. you know about that road.

oh, wanna know why i never join in the running group? i live 45 minutes from the meeting point and i really don't relish the idea of sitting on the bus afterward, rapidly cooling down, while i wait for the bus to slowly maneouvre it's circuitous route to get me home again. like i say, no matter. it was just a little side information

tom  was writing about first impressions, and i'm like him. if my face is passive, my expression appears somewhat forlorn or sad because my lips have a slight downward turn. while i lived in toronto i made the effort to talk to anybody because it was so important for me to make the human connection, and putting on a smile while feeling that black hole swirling inside somehow minimized the effect of the negativity, and it also made me feel better. as cheesy as the saying goes, it is true.

now that i am back in vancouver and feeling somewhat gutted and demoralized by the experience of my reacquaintance with the city i have found it helps to put on a happy face when put myself out there into the world. no matter how i feel. it's my secret smile, no one needs to know its origin and people respond to it, and in turn i reap the rewards of human connection in a city with whom  i've never felt much of kinship.

and there are people who pass me with apparently scowling or sneering expressions on their faces, i let that go by, because i am still actively trying to practice the four agreements, and agreement number two tells me not to take it personally because it likely has nothing to do with me.

a smile and a brief tenet have done more for my mental health of late than a bunch of mind numbing meds ever did. thus far.

memory lane

i've been dipping in the nostalgia pool lately; recording rockford files. i suppose, given the fact that i'm not always away from home these days, i could easily watch it but it has a way of awkwardly splitting the day in half.  james rockford made living in a single wide trailer look sexy and the ultimate of cool but then again, probably because he lived on the edge ofhe pacific. when i zoom through the commercials i noticed that  the gap created by commercials is a minute thirty at best.  no wandering off to take care of errands until the program resumed. nowadays those commercial pauses are at least 3 minutes long sometimes longer.

they don't make them like they used to.

words to live by?

It seems serendipitous and coincidental but no less interesting my horoscope today in 24.

          "Be flexible in the face of changing times."

I've got a lot of decisions to make and this has occurred to me. many times. the question is, which way to proceed. the economy is making turtles of employers and they all seem to be pulling their heads into the safety of their shells, waiting for the storm to pass. some are even taking advantage of the current economic crisis to burden current extra employees with more work and meanwhile, people like me, out there hunting, somewhere in the middle of the pack, are left to scrabble for whatever scraps might be available. and it seems there are a lot of us.

so, i am seriously pondering what to do with my future. some might say this is the very navel gazing i should have done many years ago, but many years ago it didn't seem as necessary and perhaps i wasn't ready to make the decision. necessity begs it now. every journey begis with one step the adage goes, and i just have to figure out where to  place that first step.

riddle me this

i'm standing on the platform at joyce station. the wind is teasing me and tickling me, causing me to shiver a bit under my several layers. across the way there is a crowd of people sporting bare legs and hoodies for jackets, looking like a page out of the Sears summer catalogue. I always wonder: if a person is wearing shorts and halter tops when it's blustery and cool what do they wear in seasonal weather when the temperatures are cranked up the dial?

and 3 and 4

i've finished reading of the four agreements save for the brief epilogue. i've been trying to apply all four to my daily life. all i can do is try and give it my best effort which is the gist of the fourth agreement. after reading the book i am forced to consider most every word that comes out of my mouth and even the thoughts that pop into my head in the form of assumptions (don't make assumptions), errant negative thoughts. it is hard work, but i think that with the application and effort every day it will be worth it. of all the agreements it is the fourth always do your best is the most important of all, because in doing your best it you are making a concerted effort in striving for excellence to meet all of the agreements. it is all you can do, and gain a sense of peace and satification in the knowledge that you have. most of all i have become more self-aware of the processes of my thoughts that are verbalized or the ones that rumble around internally. as self help books go, this is the most straightforward and simplest to incorporate into daily life. it could probably be the most relevant 150 words i've read on the topic.

The Four Agreements

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

don Miguel Ruiz

halfway there

so i am reading the four agreements. even though the book is a mere 150 pages, i've only read two so far. just reading the preface one night was enough for me. it's almost a completely different way of thinking and i am reading it slowly, to make sure i absorb as much as i can. it's not very easy to incorporate these four agreements into everyday life, if you are the average human being. the book is a teaching in self esteem, about being responsible for only yourself but living in such a way you can experience true happiness once you embrace its simple philosophy. it seems simple enough, but it takes a concerted effort to accomplish it.

the first agreement is to speak impeccably. which i am interpreting as choosing your words carefully and saying what you mean, and don't gossip or use your words against yourself (is self-deprecating humour allowed, i wonder?) i don't people bash or anything, but it takes discipline, no negative self-talk is allowed, which so many of us inflict upon ourselves, and i am no exception, and negative self-talk is incredibly limiting and only does further damage.

the second agreement is don't take anything personally. nothing others do is because of you, the book jacket states. when people do things it is not in an effort to injure you, and even if they do it is to protect their reality, not yours. or something like that. and when you become immune to the actions of others, you won't suffer needlessly because of what other people do. this is easier to follow, but again it takes dedication. we are so accustomed to thinking that other people's actions are somehow in aid of causing you pain. "that person is looking at me funny, what did i do to deserve that?" and then we go into a round of negative inspection of ourselves to try and figure out what we must be doing wrong. at least this is what i do. bad habit yes, and like smoking i am now attempting to quit it, one day at a time.

difficult though, in a time when i am trying to get myself noticed as a worthy employee with all the goods that any of these employers (who don't acknowledge my resume, my existence) would benefit from. very difficult, but i persist.

excerpt from the first chapter of adventures of beige girl

in one of my nighttime sojurns to the loo, i sort of whacked, or rather scraped, my face on the little ikea storage job mounted on the wall. i did my business and staggered back to bed thinking to myself "that's going to leave a mark" and it did, everything does. that is one of the downsides of being beige. this is a new term i lifted from the act of kenny robinson and gladly credit him with the coining of this term. the innocuous colour is apt. i used to call myself a brown girl when it seemed necessary as it was more accurate to me than terms like "black" or "mixed race" or the insulting "mulatto" or whatever other terms are out there to denote the differing shades and races of ethnic groups. i never felt comfortable with the whole "black" thing as it seemed sort of an alien designation to me. first off, i'm not that dark and i've never been in touch with the nubian princess in me. growing up in canada, and in a blue collar european neighbourhood i was one of the local scapegoats for those kids who weren't so enlightened. so when i saw kenny doing his comedy act--and it could be said his approach is challenging--i immediately took to the term of beige, because he is canadian born (and born in my hometown of winnipeg) and lived the experience of the canadian mixed race child, where even being a creamy light beige caused him to stand out.

one would think. well why do you need some sort of terminology? the answer to this is that a lot of people seem to want to know. the first question is innocent enough: "where are you from?", but the information that the asker is after is often where my lovely shade of skin tone comes from. often times when i say i answer that i am from winnipeg and my dad is canadian and my mom from the netherlands, this leaves the asker puzzled. so instead of them fumbling around asking the twenty or so questions to net them with what they want to know i have learned to expedite things by letting them know my father is black and my mom was a shade of alabaster white. ergo, the lovely mix. interestingly enough, when abroad, there is no question that i am canadian, even though my shade is obvious.

so it's official. i'm beige.

in these trying times a person can use some positive reinforcement

a little snow fell on us, but it didn't say. sort of like the dazzling sun that graced the early day. it fizzled out before the afternoon sun had passed over to the western horizon. i tell you, what i need right now is some metaphorical sunshine to train its rays on me, until i get something happening here. please. and soon. (or a fortuitous lottery win)

i'm reading the four agreements right now. trying to make myself a better and more enlightened person. the energy i create within myself will radiate from around me and bring positive change. it is an interesting read. i tend to be skeptical of these sorts of books and notions, but i decided to let myself surrender to the words of this thin tome. if anything it is a small jumping off point. i felt lighter and more at ease when i closed its covers on the pages and slid into bed. even given the circumstances of now. even so, it is a lofty goal incorporating these four agreements into my life, but it's worth a try, because with embracing them comes a lightness of spirit that can only be good. once i practice the four agreements with the dedication needed my life will become more full of the positive energy i need to drive my life forward.

i've also got the power of now in my stack of checked out books. the title has been rumbling around in my head for many years, since a woman i worked with at the time introduced me to the philosophies of eckhart tolle.  again, i need to set aside my current beliefs before i can accept his words into myhead and heart, but i felt it was time to revisit his words. i don't really claim to "get" either entirely, but i am giving it a shot. it can't hurt. every little bit helps.

am i there yet?

s. has been home this week so far. i've been mothering and nursing. it's the the flu or something, i think, but i don't know. whatever it is it's laid him flat. i've been doing the kiss test to try to determine his temperature. we had one of those old fashioned thermometers kicking around, but for the life of me we couldn't read it to see how hot he was running. had to heave it in file 13. the digital age is calling.

i don't think i am getting by unscathed. i am feeling rotten myself. it's weird having him somewhat underfoot. my usual rhythm has been a bit disturbed by his presence.

even feeling like crap i'm sending out the usual 10 or so unanswered resumes or so everyday, waiting for something to shake loose, so far nothing doing.  this is getting really old. i've told everyone i need a job. grovelled to those i knew who once upon a time knew someone who might have something, but there's nothing else i can do. the agencies have been absolutely useless and of no help to me whatsoever. it could be a sign of the times, but it was like this too when i was in toronto. it really makes me wonder what they do with all those hopes, dreams and skillsets. they certainly don't seem to match them with paying jobs. hardly even throw lip service by way of a bit of encouragement.