everyday is d. day

classic vancouver

it's raining with some determination. i walk the short trip from the skytrain home past the park across from our apartment. ran some errands at the mall. (always slightly annoys me, but that is another matter.)

the squidgy grass is alive with activity of a soccer game. i can't even begin to estimate the age of young men anymore, but i'd guess at the top end of regular organized community soccer. there are a handful of onlookers huddled under the trees tossing out damp encouragement from the mucky sidelines.

i remember those days. standing with my heels sinking into the edge of the soccer pitch as i watched Matt and his mates' game evolve from "swarm" ball to proper soccer. sometimes my overactive imagination thought it would swallow me completely, quicksand style. i consider pausing and watching awhile. soccer is my favourite sport to watch professional or otherwise, but i opt out when some slanting precipitation sneaks under my umbrella slaps me soundly across the face. classic vancouver.

some starbucks contemplation

it's cool out today. the weather is beginning to turn. i had to dig out a sweater for the short stroll down to starbucks for coffee because there is none in the house. it might seem extravagant, but the indulgence has been whittled down a weekly instead of a daily ritual. and it doesn't have that wicked feel of spending when the funds are simply deducted from my pretty little coffee card.  the budget is $25 for 4-6 weeks. when it hits zero i contemplate seriously whether or not to refill it or not. i let some time pass and then i feed it again, right around the time i crave a good grande half full americano.

it is nice to be out of the house. i'm sitting at the sbux in a window seat that sidles the sidewalk, warmed by the late morning sun through the window. there's the hum and buzz of conversations around me and unmistakable hissshhhh of the steaming of milk. i write this remotely thanks to shaun's crappy pc, since my portable beauty has essentially been rendered a desktop not so long ago.  i'm finally making use of a bell hotspot courtesy of that coffee card i carry around in my wallet.

(oh i'd love to replace my beloved with a shiny new beloved. that was the suggestion to cure my woes. if i could grow money on a whim like that i would be hitting the cyber-pavement every day in search of a job.  the problem was supposedly of my own making--a spill--but i don't recall spilling anything on it. bijou, what is it you do in the night, you frisky little feline? the investment of $500 into it in the summer simply made it so the cord into the machine charged it up, but now it doesn't even do that anymore. i can think of a lot of things could have done with that $500. oh well. )

i've scanned the classifieds and updated my facebook status, since i've come out of hiding. not officially. don't tell anyone, but i am somewhat ready to rejoin the living again. tentatively.

relaxing into saturday

strains of classical music drift around me. mozart and vivaldi. a lilting complement to the grey cast of the day. it's been raining all night and is predicted to go on this way the rest of the day. i don't mind. not today. through the gap of the bedroom window the sweet fragrance of grateful flowers and freshly mowed grass drift in to infuse the room. the air has been so stale lately, even with the window thrown wide open.

big coffee, two crosswords and a shower. almost ready for the day. it's kinda silly but i only just figured out that those silly shower puff thingys can make any sort of soap lather up like crazy, so the thin liquid of my dr. bronner's is now not just good for the planet, but it is a little slice of lavender, lathering heaven. a few deep inhales of that and my heart slows and every worry simply falls away. 

okay. i think i'm ready.

first day of september

a brand new month. could embark on a whole bunch of new things today or finally dig into the well of incompleted resolutions.

but, first things first. i found a place in the mall that does brows for 9 bucks, so contrary to my previous assertion i took care of a little business. if i am going to gaze at my reflection and ponder what the hell i am going to do with the rest of my life, it's better that my face isn't framed like brows that look like they belong on some old geezer. having one's eyebrows threaded can go one of two ways: it clears the sinuses and wakes you up or vaults you over the verge of tears.  either way it is best to wear big sunglasses because you leave looking like you've been smacked in the face and you've been crying about it.

i'm trying to get to it, trying to complete something. my head is foggy. i'm completely unmotivated and now i'm distracted. there's a bird across the way swings between birdsong and cat calls all day. when we first moved here i thought it was some strange person standing on the street amusing himself. it was slightly endearing, but now i want to know which balcony that bird inhabits so i can scale it and wring its neck. yesterday one of the dogs that's not allowed to be living in the building howled plaintively for hours, and is at it again today. some other neighbourhood dogs are getting into it now. i want find the owner and give 'em a talking to. it's a sure bet that they are clueless about how the dog feels about them being gone all day.

breathe...be cool....follow the breath. in and out.  ignore it. let go. let it go. 

and try to smile.

melting

the last time i was this uncomfortable in the heat, i lived in toronto. the windows of my funky old apartment only opened a few inches wide and i could never manage any sort of cross breeze. i got one of those dual fans to push warm air out and bring cool wind in, vice versa or whatever, but the problem was that all the air was hot and so its efforts were hardly noticeable. by the end of the summer one of the fans had given out from all the effort.

here in vancouver air conditioning is but a mere concept. some businesses have it, very few homes do and certainly not the building i live in. bijou and i move from place to place in a sluggish ennui, hoping for a place that is cooler than the next. the air is cloying, thick and stale. we've a couple fans working both rooms, but their effects are only really felt when coming in from the blistering heat of the outdoors.

now don't get me wrong. i'm all for sunshine. a nice moderate 20 degrees suits me just fine. when the weatherman starts talking humidex and the numbers ring like middle age values, then my body doesn't cope so well. i just ran a few more errands and i've come back dripping. rivulets, beads and swaths of it. i'm sorry, it's not glowing. it's just plain unadulterated sweat.

lifestyles of the wannabe rich

i walk into the local deli. there's a young man at a table some 10 feet away talking a cell phone loud enough for me to clearly hear his conversation. "i want to get this business off the ground. i'm 30 years old!" i smile at this. and then it sort of makes me a bit sad. all those opportunities wasted and lost. then his prattle begins to annoy me. perhaps my tolerance is low because i have passed the point of hungry and am in the territory of swooning. i restrain my desire to tell him to shut up. or just talk to the guy on the other end of the phone. i'm not interested in his puny life. all i want is a couple of sandwiches.

i place my order and wait several tables away, and though i should not be privy to his conversation, i am. he finishes that call and starts another, and then another and another, clearly oblivious to his female companion. what i glean from his conversations are this: the bakery/deli we are both sitting in is his uncle's. his struggling business is that of drug dealer, marijuana. he's complaining about the cost of product and that he is not making that much. or enough. perhaps he aspires or fancies himself to be scarface. a regular entrepreneur. to me, he is simply a skinny, obnoxious twerp, with no sense of social grace.

pensive

it doesn't matter how long you are gone, when you leave, you will notice once you return that some of your life has passed you and left a tiny void where you once were. there will be events you missed and maybe a birthday or two; maybe a bill left unpaid. there is a small blip that occurs of where you once were and then weren't for a beat or two, even if you maintained a contact with your life as it is. when you return it will not be quite as you left it. it is just the way it is. your life, as you know it, has gone somewhat untended and will show the effects of the lack of attention. like a garden that requires constant cultivation when we go we don't arrive back the same person as when we left. our experiences shift our perspective and we view our small plot of life with different eyes upon our return.

i am returning to mine with a sigh. there is, of course, the necessary to be done. there is laundry that accumulated; that ring formed in the toilet bowl and the floor needs sweeping. a small list of the miscellaneous and sundry that are my assumed responsibility await me. i've got to return to my job search and/or career exploration with renewed vigor.

this status quo needs to change.

what was i thinking?

you know you are getting old when.....or sometimes maybe a little confidence is too much confidence. or maybe--just bloody always wear your glasses!

down at the local there, they have karaoke on thursday nights and i am totally addicted. well, my addiction began long before i moved back to vancouver. i drag poor shaun there every opportunity i get. he wants to buy me a machine, but that might only partially cure me. i like the performance aspect, though the "stage" at the fireside is really just a bit of cleared floorspace near the big tv on which the lyrics roll by.

 i'd forgotten my glasses so i couldn't read any of the music listings and i don't know what my compulsion is, but i always like to try something new. i think it is time to go back to my old standards, because well, my experimentation of this past thursday proved a little embarassing. but no one was on their game, so i didn't feel so bad. of course like the fact that escapes you when you need it, the melody of eagles "desperado" which so eluded me came like a bolt out of blue after a little reflection of the 80's music catalogue in my head.

i soldiered through to the end with a giant groan in my head, though no one did that. that's the beauty of karaoke. despite what sort of destruction a person might wreak on a classic, everyone gets an ovation. it's encouragement to get up there and do it again. and i will. pride intact.

kiddo and miss

when i went to the bank the other day, a man, presumably the manager was handing out mints and tiny, green plastic piggy keychains. i accepted it even though i am actively in the process of shedding extraneous stuff.  i was really after the mint. had a few of those sustain me as lunch back in the day. seem like the good old days now.  as i left the bank he sort of leered over the top of his glasses as he said "you have a good one kiddo". now my question is, does this tag signify a lack of respect or is he just a lecherous old man who doesn't know he and i are hovering around the same age?

i take it as a compliment. i walk into the brilliant day with a renewed smile on my face.  i reckon that having a youthful appearance further enhanced by my pixie cut doesn't hurt one bit. i find all sorts of people smiling at me. i think it makes me approachable.

the kid at the mac station called me miss, twice, and i'll gladly accept that too.  he also seemed to be studying the region slightly south of  than my eyes,  you know what i mean. but that's ok too. every little bit helps. i don't have me a job but i've gotten a few good strokes. put those in the bank for withdrawal on a really low self esteem day.

it all evens itself out in the end because when i stroll into most boutiques or shops, even with money in my pocket and the active desire to spend, i will be largely ignored, even if it is clear i am looking for something. when i go into the bay it irks me even more because i remember during my brief stint there at yonge and bloor it was mandatory to acknowledge every shopper as they entered your department (presumably under the notion that building this small rapport will let a potential shoplifter know that you are aware of them and watching them).  i secretly wish on these occasions that i was a secret shopper,  then i snap out of the reverie and seek out a reluctant clerk for help.  if i want it, if i don't simply lose my patience and leave.

time to do my body good and proud

since s. mentioned that he liked his women pliable or softer or something along those lines i immediately resolved to get myself into something of my former shape. it's about time anyway. i hoped that i would be disciplined to do it once i got into this space, but i didn't. and it was a hassle. i had to push furniture around and still it didn't really afford me enough room. motivation has been exceedingly low. there's something about hovering on the brink of financial ruin that has a way of knocking the wind out of a person.  i seem to have completely lost my fitness resolve, and frankly have been too focused and absorbed on the constant job condition, but now it has to become more of a priority because  i'm sick of looking at my thighs in their current condition.

so i resolve to keep trying. there's the promise of a fresh start at the new place, with the sense of renewal of spring and the lure and inspiration of more parks and a more interesting great outdoors. 

 i resolve to do the heavy lifting now and that includes paying attention to my diet again. i will have to make modifications to how i work out now.  somehow i need to be able to exercise like a fiend without standing or walking on my foot for long periods of time.  it's back to aching all the time, probably because i have been ignoring the pain and walking anyway. i found my birkie knockoffs which are making it less painful to walk and i also wear my little heel donut to take the pressure off, but it only works marginally.  it could be that the cheapie solution was fine as a stopgap, but proper orthotics are probably on the horizon. in the meantime, it's ice, foot up and curtailing the amount of walking i do.

this oughta be interesting.